Smoke
by Dream Keeper
Summary: Heero and Relena get trapped in a cabin and Relena gets hurt.... bad. Heero needs her to stay awake, and he's going through medication withdrawls so they talk. Soon talking leads to admitions Heero never thought he'd make.


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Dream Keeper: Well folks, standard yada. I do not own Gundam Wing. *sniffs* I wish I did but I don't. The G-boys and girls belong to their respectable owners. I am just using them for this twisted fic. I promise to return them, only slightly worse for the wear when we're through with them. Um... Anything else?  
  
Christa: Yeah. This is just something we came up with at the last minute. Sorry, but it was too good to pass up.  
  
Dream Keeper: Yes, and it is kind of AU, so please keep that in mind, because we don't know exactly when it takes place. Just pick a place in the series and go from there. It SHOULD work out, but don't flame us if it doesn't.  
  
Christa: Thanx again for reading our writing. We know there's tons of others you could be reading. Oh, and Happy Valentines Day! *glomps all fans*  
  
Dream Keeper: Same here! Now, on with the fic! Oh, almost forgot. The lyrics were written by the artist Natalie Imbruglia, and are off of the CD "Left of the Middle." We may own a copy of the CD, but sadly the rights to it do not belong to us, so technically we do not own that either. If we did, we would already have bought Slayers and would be making tons of money. So don't sue us. We've said our peace, and you wouldn't get any $$$ anyway because we're poor broke folk.  
  
Christa: And this is a one shot, so don't bother asking for any more!  
  
"Blah" = speech (no duh!)  
  
/blah/ = lyrics  
  
Dedicated to: People who have known that a love that was not meant to be, but have had the courage to experienced it anyway.  
  
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/My lullaby/  
  
/Hung out to dry/  
  
/What's up with that/  
  
/Its over./  
  
Why are people borne if they're only meant to die? I never have understood that just as I don't understand you now, as you cling to me. I know you are afraid and as much as I hate to admit it, I am too. But I will not show fear. I am the perfect soldier, just as Dr. J trained me to be. I cannot show any weakness, even to you. Your tears make my heart ache for you, but I do nothing to comfort you. I stay my silent, stone faced self, pretending to have a heart of ice, but really I don't. I'm not like any of you can imagine.  
  
As the plains fly overhead, dropping their loads of mobile suits I have to stop myself from trembling from my own fear. It's so great that it almost swamps me, but I push it down, ignore it. I can't afford to have emotions. I must remember to shut them off, but it's so hard. I really don't have a heart of stone and its not like I don't want to comfort you. Just the opposite in fact. It would be so easy to give in, but would I be able to stand it? I am really too emotional for my own good.  
  
Shit, my drugs are wearing off. I'm starting to shake. My heart rate is speeding up and I think you can feel my body trembling. What will you say now, when you get to see the perfect soldier fall apart. Did you really know why I am the way I am? What? You're telling me that it's going to be okay? We're stuck in this tiny cabin, that offers us little to no protection, and you're telling me that everything is going to be all right?  
  
Yes, I am scared Relena. How could I not be? I should have known long before this that Oz was planning something, but somehow I missed it and that jeopardized your life. No, I don't really want to kill you. What? Dr. J told you that I'm really a kind and compassionate boy? I don't know anymore. He's done a good job at killing my spirit, even more that Odin did. Who's Odin? That's a long story. What? You want to hear it? Its not that interesting. To help you stay calm? Fine, but my story isn't a happy one. And I'll have to go way back.  
  
/Where are you dad/  
  
/Mum's lookin' sad/  
  
/What's up with that/  
  
/Its dark in here/  
  
I don't remember much before I met Odin, but somehow I've managed to hold onto one memory of my mother. Did you know your mother Relena? No? Well, I guess in some ways I'm more fortunate than you. My mother was beautiful. At least I think she was my mother. I'd like to think so, so that's how I remember her. I'm rambling? Sorry. I don't remember where we lived, but there was an accident and the colony started to depressurize.  
  
I don't know why, but my mother was crying and she made me go into the closet and close the door. It was dark and cramped, but I stayed there until I couldn't any longer. When I finally go up the courage to open the door the colony had already been fixed. I didn't know until I was older that there are some rooms even in houses that can be sealed airtight. That's why she wanted me there. Huh? I just don't like talking about her. Somehow it feels as if she becomes a little less mine when I do.  
  
Anyway, I went out into the colony and I looked around at the rubble. Some organization had dropped explosives and they destroyed almost everything. I don't even know why they did it. Some stupid reason, just like all the other stupid reasons that caused this damned war. I remember all the smoke that was blowing about, and I remember seeing someone walk through it towards me. It took me a long time to realize that it was my mother. No, she wasn't really anything but a walking corpse by then.  
  
Damn, am I crying? My chest hurts. Normal? I don't remember anymore. Not since that day. She was a mechanic on the colony and had to go repair it. That's why she left. She came walking towards me, and then fell and crawled the rest of the way. Then she took me in her arms and... and told me that she loved me and to be a good boy. Then she died. You remember what it's like to loose a loved one, don't you? It hurts like hell.  
  
/Why bleeding is breathing/  
  
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/  
  
/Try, bleeding is believing/  
  
/I used to/  
  
Relena! Damn! Damn Oz! I'll kill every last one of them! How badly are you hurt? Bleeding... shrapnel wound. Damn, damn, damn! I can't get you out of here. Save myself? Like hell I will. Why? Because you're my mission now, I can't let you die. You look disappointed, why? What can I use for a bandage... oh well, I don't need my shirt anyway. This is going to hurt, I'm sorry.  
  
Relena, stay with me! Please! Relena, you have to stay awake! I hope the shrapnel didn't hit any vital organs. I can't loose you, not now. Why? Because... because I care for you. Stay awake! What can I do to keep you awake? Tell you a story? About what?! My life? Why I became a gundam pilot? All right.  
  
I used to believe in miracles, but after that I stopped. Somehow, I need one now more than ever. I pray to whatever god is listening that he'll take pity on you and grant the true wish of my blackened soul and spare you.  
  
/My mouth is dry/  
  
/Forgot how to cry/  
  
/What's up with that/  
  
/You're hurting me/  
  
Odin picked me up out of the rubble I guess. I don't even really remember meeting him. He just appeared in my life like he'd been there all along. He took me with him wherever he went. It was just for cover for his missions, but that was my life. He taught me things, terrible things, but I didn't mind. Someone was taking the time to teach me, and that was all that mattered.  
  
I don't ever remember crying after I met Odin do you know that? Not when my mother died, not when he died, until now but I digress. Stay awake Relena. What did he teach me? Odin taught me how to live on my own, how to shoot a gun, how to kill a man. You're trembling. Is it from the cold, or because you're revolted? Cold? Can I move closer to you? Yes? Is that better? Good, take some of my heat.  
  
I loved Odin like a father, but he never failed to hurt me, to remind me that I wasn't his son or that I didn't have a name of my own. I was called Odin Lowe Jr. back then. You're laughing? Careful, don't hurt yourself. He went to leave me on a colony one day. Colony X18999, but I made him take me with him. He said it would be his last job and he was right. He was an assassin you see, but he was killed that day. I was with him when he died. I still remember what he told me as he died. He told me to remember what he'd told me. What was it? To do as my heart tells me to do.  
  
/I'm running fast/  
  
/Can't hide the past/  
  
/What's up with that?/  
  
/You're pushing me./  
  
I met Dr. J right after that. He was just sitting there in the alley waiting for some unsuspecting fool to spot him. I happened to be the fool that did, and he offered to make me a gundam pilot. At the time it seemed like the right choice, but now I wish I had listened to my heart and walked away. I'd be a lot better off right now. Why? Because I wouldn't be... never mind.  
  
Anyway, he took me in and he trained me. I guess there isn't much to be said. He taught me how to pilot a gundam, and he finished molding me into what I am. Odin had only started me, but Dr. J is really the one who finished the job. I think it started right after I killed... I killed a little girl. I didn't mean to, but it was one of my first official missions on my own and I miss wired a detonation switch. It caused a mobile suit to fall on her house and... I hope she was killed instantly, and in her sleep. That's when he started giving me drugs.  
  
What for? To suppress any emotions I might have. Am I cold? No, I've been taking those damned drugs for years. I'm going through a withdrawal that's all. I'll be fine once I take a dose again. Do I want to? No, but if I don't I'll die. Its not something that's sold open market, its something he made, and it stays in your system for a long time. I can try and get rid of it after this is all over, but not until then. How am I so sure that it'll all end? Because you came into my life. RELENA!  
  
/Why, bleeding is breathing.  
  
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/  
  
/Try, bleeding is believing/  
  
/I used to/  
  
No! God, wake up! Open your eyes! I'm begging you, Relena! Please, I can't loose you! The world needs you too much! You have to hang on! Please! God, but I can't break the radio silence. What am I going to do? Relena! Get you breathing first, then worry about help. Please wake up! I can't do this without you!  
  
Relena? You're looking at me strangely. Why? You're first kiss? But I was giving you mouth to mouth. You're still going to call it your fist kiss? You're absolutely crazy you know that?! You scared me half to death! Don't you ever do that to me again! What? Why am I so angry? To hell with secrecy, and Dr. J, and the mission. Relena, I love you. There, are you happy, I've said it. I won't say it again. What? Fine. I love you.  
  
/Why, bleeding is breathing.  
  
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/  
  
/Try, bleeding is believing/  
  
/I saw you crawling on the floor/  
  
Damn! None of the others will answer their radios! Why is it that the one time I actually need them not even the braided baka will pick up the com? He's always looking for someone to gab at! Fine, then I'll just have to get you out of here myself. Is it okay if I pick you up? I know its going to hurt, but I'm sorry.  
  
I feel so weak, its not even funny. I guess normally I would laugh at it, but not now. You're life is in danger and you can't walk on your own. Why did I have to choose this cabin in my mad dash for safety? There was probably someplace closer to a hospital I could have picked. Given that I didn't know we would get hurt, but I should have planned for it! What? Yes, I know I'm bleeding. It's only my leg. No, leave the metal there. Its all that's keeping me from bleeding worse than I already am. No, it does more damage on the way out.  
  
Just keep talking to me Relena. I need to know that you're still alive. Just keep talking to me and I'll get you to the hospital soon. You're going to make it, aisuru. Just keep awake. Argh! Will these woods never end?  
  
/Why, bleeding is breathing.  
  
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/  
  
/Try, bleeding is believing/  
  
/I saw you crawling to the door/  
  
Finally, the hospital. I don't think I've ever seen a more welcome civilian sight. I'm going to put you on a stretcher and get you to the ER, okay? What about me? I'll be fine. No, I can't stay with you Relena. Why? Because I'm a soldier and I have a duty to fulfil. I can't risk getting caught now, or any other time. What will they do if they catch me? They'll kill me.  
  
No, I can't even stay to get treated. I'll be fine! Relena, there is no way I can ever be with you! What? After the war? Do you have any idea how many people's blood I have spilled? I'm unclean, and you're perfect. Yes you are and I've known that since the moment I met you. You don't remember? I could tell you. No? Save it for when we can be together? Fine. Here's the stretcher. I'm going to turn the ambulance sirens on, so please don't be alarmed. What? You know its never meant to be. Say it anyway? All right, Relena, I love you. Kiss you? Okay. Now I really must go, or I know I never will. Ai shiteru, aisuru.  
  
/Why, bleeding is breathing.  
  
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/  
  
/Try, bleeding is believing/  
  
/I saw you falling on the floor/  
  
You know, even as I look up at you on the vid-screen I can't help but remember those couple of hours that we spent in the cabin. I know that it didn't mean much, but somehow it touched me. Even through the damned medication I can feel my heart lighten and my pulse quicken when I look at you. I never knew that a girl could have that affect on me.  
  
You were the same way when I first met you. Probably long before you remember. I was just an orphan to you then, but you were the only person at that school that treated me any different than a bag of trash. What was the name of the school? St. Gabriel Academy wasn't it? Even though you didn't talk to me, I could always feel you watching me like I intrigued you. Is that true? You never introduced yourself to me, but you never had to. Everyone knew why you were. I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. I wasn't supposed to be there that long in the first place, but somehow I had to make sure you were safe before I left.  
  
You were a fiery young girl back then, and never hesitated to show your spirit. Don't loose that fire, Relena. You'll need it for what's coming next. I wish things could be different for you, but they can't. I wish things could be different for us, but they can't. Maybe I'll tell you the story one day, but not until a long time has passed. Will you still want me by then? I don't know, but I'm prepared to wait.  
  
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Dream Keeper: Sorry it was so.... Melodramatic, but we were in that kind of mood and the song just kinda tipped the balance.  
  
Christa: Oh yeah, all of the information is taken directly from the Episode Zero manga and we don't own that either.  
  
Dream Keeper: Anywho, its already 11:30, or just about, so we need to post and get our asses in bed. Hope you liked! I'll try and post a Slayers one tomorrow, but no promises.  
  
Christa: Please don't forget to R&R which means read AND REVIEW.  
  
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